Home Birth Experience

“Why the fuck am I not at the hospital with an epidural?”

That went through my head a few times during labor. Usually it was while I was going to the bathroom and I was alone. I would then follow up with:

“You are doing this for CJ.”

“You don’t want CJ to be in the hospital during this time.”

“You wanted to be home for the afterbirth.”

I did this for you.

Home I was. Snuggled in my bed sleeping without a nurse checking on me every couple of hours. Little Man spending a lot of time skin on skin with his Daddy next to me. I think we spent three days almost naked in bed.

Even though it was challenging to have a home birth there were so many positives. For one, I learned SO much more from my midwives than I did from the doctors when I was pregnant with my older two. I never felt pressured to do anything or made to feel stupid (with my first the doctor told the nurse I didn’t know what I was doing right in front of me with my legs spread why). I went so deep into my primal abilities, that nothing in the world mattered and instinct took over.

Active labor started at 1:00 am. My mom was over by 3:00 am. The midwives showed up about an hour or so later. I took a couple of baths to help me relax and even laid down in bed for a bit. I spent a lot of time standing, holding onto a sheet Chris hung from the pull-up bar.

“He has dimples!”

Side note, if you’re ever help a woman in labor breath slower, do not blow your breath directly into her face. Thanks for trying to help mom, thanks for stopping when freaked out, and thanks for laughing with me about now.

Things really got intense when I crawled onto the bed. That didn’t work because I was too exhausted my arms could not hold me up and when I put my head on the bed, my stomach touched my legs. That was a big HELL NO. Nothing could touch my torso during a contraction. I then crawled backwards and ended up with my knees on the floor and my upper body on the bed. Stephanie (midwife in training) said later she thought it was so beautiful how moved with what my body was telling me I needed.

The sun had risen, the window was open in mid-February to cool me off, and things progressed really fast. I yelled, “I don’t think I can do this.” Every one said you have this and Chris grabbed my hand. Later, Andrea (midwife) told me that’s when she knew delivery was really close by. She said every woman says that right at the end, even midwives giving birth for the fifth time.

My water broke (or I should say exploded out of me) at 7:38 am and Little Man was caught by his Daddy at 7:42 am.

Today I am grateful Chris was the first person to touch our son but at the time, I remember squeezing his hand. In my head I was saying “DON’T LET GO” but I was so far gone into my body, I couldn’t vocalize it. I laugh about how my mom had to pry my hand from Chris’s so she could take his place. And I remember hearing Chris yell out “Doctor Balke is ready!”

CJ came into this world, weighing in at 9 lb 10 oz and 22 inches long.

9 lb 10 oz and 22” long

My body is amazing and it knew exactly what to do. “I am my mother’s savage daughter.” Beautifully designed.

Who’s Path?

What path are you on?

What path do you want to take?

Has someone else chosen your path?

I feel like I keep going back and forth between the path I want to be on and the path I think others want me to be on. 

As we grow up, there are so many people who influence our choices. It has been a challenge thinking about each choice and figuring out if I am making it because I truly want to make it or am I relying too much on the inner programing. 

Deconstructing…an ongoing journey. – NikkyNicole

Deconstructing that programing has been an ongoing journey. Breaking down the pieces of me I thought I was, to reconnect with person I truly am. 

It isn’t about finding yourself because yourself has been with you the whole time. It’s about letting go of who you are not, bit by bit. 

Merry Simple Christmas

The holidays have looked so different at our house. Since we decided to renovate, we have had no decorations up for Christmas. I don’t know if it is the lack of decorations or the weather being so warm in the Chicagoland area, I just have not been in the Christmas spirit. Now, I haven’t been Scrooge either. Some of it could be the exhaustion of being pregnant. The thought of decorating is not appealing. Even my oldest child hasn’t been in the mood to decorate. 

There is no shame in not having a decorated home. – NikkyNicole


So, we’re flowing with it. There is no shame in not having a decorated home. What we do have, is a house full of love and laughter, which I believe is so much more important. It is also a house full of construction and a mess currently. 


Deep breath Nikky, deep breath. It will all come together before baby CJ arrives. My nesting stage has definitely arrived but I want everything done right this second. Unfortunately, it all takes time and steps. Currently we are working on our first floor. Painting everything, new floors, new countertops, new bathroom vanity. It will look gorgeous once completed!


So today, I will focus on finishing the cabinet doors and then shopping with my oldest. Not a bad day off!


This weekend, I will enjoy more time with family during this extended Christmas season. Then it’s back to getting ready for our new arrival in February and preparing to launch FairyTastic. Don’t forget to head over to fairytasticworld.com and subscribe to get updates. A FairyTastic Adventure: The Missing Light will be available for preorder soon!

Head to fairytasticworld.com

Beauty In The Healing Process

At some point in my healing journey I started to see the beauty in the messy journey. The tears that once seemed so ugly, are now a sign of release and beautiful in their own way. A day of no makeup, comfy clothes, and my hair a mess is absolutely full of beautiful relaxation and rest. The venting about about an issue is also beautiful because it brings realization of the truth and laughter.  Crying beautiful tears to let out the old and make room for the new. 


Like the empty trees in winter, we too can know that the messy parts of healing will bring new growth. Stand tall like the tree that wilts away the dead leaves knowing it will bloom once again. 


If you would like to support me on my new business journey, please head over to fairytasticworld.com and subscribe. The first fantasy fiction book, A FairtyTastic Adventure The Missing Light, will be out for presale the winter of 2022. We are looking to have other fun FairyTastic stuff for sale summer/fall of 2022. We can also be found on Facebook and Instagram @fairytastic. The book was written with middle schoolers in mind but can be enjoyed by all ages. 

When fear takes over

It’s amazing how fear can take over. All the healing thats been done vanished because of one incident. Over the summer, I didn’t even realize that it took over. I was so sure I was beyond fear (thank you ego) that it grew. And then because one fear took over, other fears began to sneak in unnoticed. 

…Other fears began to sneak in unnoticed.

NikkyNicole


I was a mess. I thought all of it was hormones from being pregnant. Or maybe that was what I told myself so I didn’t have to deal with my fears. The hormones made it harder for me to process my emotions but I couldn’t process the emotions fully because I didn’t recognize the underlying issue…FEAR.


I am not going to get into detail as to what triggered my fear but I am going to talk to you about how it affected me and how I got out of the cycle. 


It wasn’t until I realized that I was living in fear did I realize how much it was effecting me. I stopped doing the things that brought me joy. No writing, drawing, yoga, meditating, playing the piano, etc. So essentially, I was disconnected from myself. That in turn caused a disconnection with my partner, Chris and my kids. 
But what was so fascinating (and I can only say that now that I am out of it), is that the one fear allowed so many other fears to sneak its way back in. Even fears that I have worked through and released previously. My fear of abandonment showed back up and feeling disconnected from my partner just intensified that. Thankfully he was amazing and loved me as he always has. I was afraid I was going to miscarry. I was so worried about what people were thinking about me. I was constantly worried about my kids.


In all, I was scared every day and had no idea I was! I knew something was off but could not figure out what it was. 


It hit me like a lightning bolt one day while having a hard conversation with Chris. Once I was able to recognize the initial fear was there, I was able to process it and let it go. That led me to slowly recognize the other fears and let them go. 
The initial fear took about a month or so to fully let go. Triggers kept coming so it was like two steps forward, one step back. Once that was released, I was able to recognize the others. My fear of abandonment took just recognizing it to let it go and on the same day I realized that I was disconnected from myself as to why had been feeling disconnected from everyone else. 


Getting rid of fear brought back my confidence. I am finally building the business that I have been dreaming of for the last 6 years! 

Getting rid of fear brought back my confidence.

NikkyNicole


If you would like to support me on this journey, please head over to fairytasticworld.com and subscribe. The first fantasy fiction book, A FairtyTastic Adventure The Missing Light, will be out for presale the winter of 2022. We are looking to have other fun FairyTastic stuff for sale summer/fall of 2022. We can also be found on Facebook and Instagram @fairytastic. The book was written with middle schoolers in mind but can be enjoyed by all ages. 

All-Encompassing Wisdom

I started my practice with the Dakini Families with the Buddha family. If you did not read my last blog, I recently read Wisdom Rising: Journey into the Mandala of the Empowered Feminine by Lama Tsultrim. I spent a week focusing on the meditation and connecting with the white Dakini. I went so far as purchasing some white shirts and going bra less (read the book, you will understand). The Buddha family is the center of the Mandala and I am so freaking grateful it was the first family I started this practice with.

Lama Tsultrim Allione talks about how everyone has an exit family. Which is when things get tough, this is the family that shows up to get you out of a situation. I didn’t realize it until 2 weeks after I was working on the Buddha family that this is my exit family. Confrontation is very hard for me and I tend to want to hide away from the problem rather than just take care of it. If my partner and I are having a hard conversation, I tend to take a blanket to, literally and emotionally, cover myself. When I recognized that, it was profound. He pointed out that was hiding in the middle of that discussion and we were able to have a quick side discussion where I told him that he was right and I thanked him for pointing it out. I don’t want to hide, especially from him. Especially because each hard conversation allows us to get to know each other more and grow closer.

I realized just now that every hard conversation with have with another person, not just a significant other, we have an opportunity to build a strong bond with them. We also have an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. So figuring out what my exit family is, has allowed me to stop reacting so I can fully listen and then respond.

And I connect with the Buddha family in more ways than it being my exit out of difficult situations. For years and years and years, I always wondered why I just couldn’t get things done. There were things I wanted to do but would procrastinate or I would get into a depression and push things off. It is one thing to take a day of rest which I love to do and need it at times but it was another to put things off and have a heavy sadness within. Even my book has been put to the side so many times and I enjoy writing it and want to finish it. My house can get messier than I like and I would ask myself “why can’t I just clean it?” When I was in school homework was the worse even if it was my favorite subject. It took so much energy to do anything at times.

And then it all came to light when I read that the encumbered pattern for the Buddha Family is ignorance (spaciness, depression, procrastination, denial and dissociation). Everything that I have been trying to work through was laid out in front of me and the author gave me a way to break those old patterns. The first time that I spoke the family’s seed syllable, BAM, I had an immediate reaction. A tingling feeling when up and down my arms and into my toes and there was a release of tension from my core. This reaction was small. It took me about four days of doing the meditation before I really felt the spaciousness and allow the spaciness to leave. I felt so productive during the next few days. There was a freedom from within that was so powerful and relieving.

The meditation helped so much that when I stopped doing the Buddha family mediation so I could focus on the Vajra family, the productivity stopped. I did one day of the Vajra family meditation and then stopped for three days, did it again and then stopped all together. It was quite amazing when I realized what an impact the white Dakini had on me. So yesterday when I started the Vajra family meditation again, I did the Buddha family meditation first.

Being able to connect with the White Dakini has released me from an internal bondage that was keeping me from accomplishing the things I have been wanting to. I have started drawing and painting again. I am reading more. Slowly my house is getting organized, cleaned, and kept clean. I am at peace with myself more now than I have ever been and I see the world around me clearer.

When I first read about the family she talks about how the wisdom is an all-encompassing wisdom. I didn’t understand it at first but now I do. Now I get it. I feel it. My mornings now start with the discipline of getting up every morning, lighting a candle at the alter, doing the Buddha family meditation, and then yoga. There is more that I want to add onto this routine but for now this is my start to a more disciplined life and there for more freedom.

It sounds funny how discipline and freedom go hand in hand. By being disciplined in my meditation practice I have freedom from being weighed down by the thoughts in my brain that hold me back and cause suffering. By being disciplined in my yoga practice, I have freedom from physical pain so I can do all of the activities that I want to. By being disciplined with my diet, I freedom from pain, fatigue and all of the other symptoms of a quiet and invisible disease. “Discipline brings freedom” is currently on the mirror in my bathroom to remind me why I am focusing on discipline right now.

Discipline brings freedom and freedom brings peace and with peace I can feel a joy that is everlasting. A joy that does not come from anything external but from deep within.

And don’t forget to read Wisdom Rising by Lama Tsultrim Allione. I want to hear about your journey into the mandala.

The Start of My Journey into the Mandala

My search into spirituality started during my healing processes. About a year and a half ago I had gotten to a point in my healing journey that conventional therapy was no longer working. Not that it didn’t help me, it did, immensely. I highly recommend finding a therapist that you trust (you may have to meet with a few before you find the right person for you). My therapist did an amazing job and that is why I ended up having to move on.

There was so much more that I wanted to do, that I felt called to do but also felt something holding me back. It was like it was deeply rooted with in. Through my learning, I found that we have programming within us that came from our parents, grandparents and so on. This includes unnecessary fears, repeated actions, even attracting the wrong types of people. Now don’t start with the “I guess I am born this way and there is nothing I can do”. The key is to not settle for the ordinary or what appears to be comfortable.

My search for healing and a deeper spiritual connection has recently lead me to the book Wisdom Rising: Journey into the Mandala of the Empowered Feminine, by Lama Tsultrim Allione. She dives deep into the feminine energy to heal. For years, the feminine energy has been pushed away. Told to shut up or called witchcraft. The empowered feminine in most recent time has been called nasty. But no longer are we taking offense to name calling but instead embracing it as a badge of honor.

It is within the feminine energy that we can heal emotional traumas and reprogram habits. So I am going to take you on my journey through the five Dakini families. Each week I will focus on one family and work through the obstructions. As I was reading the book, I saw so much of myself in each family. Most only relate to a couple but I found myself connecting with each family. It was so eye opening and started to release some tension that I didn’t even know what there.

The five families are Buddha, Vajra, Ratna, Padma, and Karma. Each has their unique description, encumbered pattern, and a wisdom we receive when we work through the obstruction. Having started with the Buddha Dakini, this work is going to be challenging but oh so enlightening. If you would like to join me, please check out Lama Tsultrim Allione’s book. I believe this will be a book I read again and again.

Last night I was reading The Gospel of Thomas and legion 2 connected with me and this spiritual journey I am on:

Yeshua said: Whoever searches must continue to search until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed, and being disturbed, they will marvel and will reign over All.

Search because this gives our lives meaning. When we search we will find. When we find we will be disturbed because it forces us to question what we thought we knew. But then we will marvel at what we have found, connecting us with the universe, the one the reigns over all. From there, sit with God and what you have just learned.

Keep seeking God, Goddess, the universe. Don’t allow yourself to become complacent in thinking you know. Because when you find, you will then know and realize that you never knew and there is more yet to know.

Journey to Love

I grew up going to a Methodist Church and learning about God and Jesus. Being told to love others with open hearts, open arms, and open doors. To this day I love that saying. What’s ironic is the more I turned to love, the less I turned to the church.

Growing up I was always observant and paid close attention to how people acted and interacted with others. It fascinated me and still does to this day. But watching people who say one thing and then do something different or said one thing but twist the words when explaining it confused me. Or, I would have two people I respected and trust tell me two different things.

Oh my! There was so much confusion! What was I supposed to believe? I just wanted someone to be right and to tell me what to do!

Though being depressed sucks and I never want to go there again, it did help me. See, when you’re depressed, you turn inward and that’s exactly what I needed to do. Only the small voice within could answer my questions. Only the small voice within could guide me. I learned to listen to myself.

What I realized is the laws within religion are black and white. Do this. Don’t do that. Act this way. Don’t act that way. And so forth. But a relationship with the Divine (God, Goddess, the Universe, Allah, etc) is black, white, grey, and multicolored. It is sitting in a dark room quiet and motionless, as well as dancing around a fire singing loudly, and everything in between.

What I also noticed recently is that the core of all religions are the same. So I have decided to dive deeper into them all. I am going to use my blog as a place to write out what I find and share my opinions. I hope to interview religious leaders and the everyday person. I also want to travel the world and learn first hand how people in other countries worship.

My main goal though is to connect with other people through love. One the of the best ways to love, is to listen. Listening allows us to learn and what we learn is no longer the unknown. The unknown can cause fear and by knowing we then remove the fear.

Fear of the unknown is necessary because it keeps us safe from danger. However, unnecessary fear causes us harm. Fear between cultures can create hate and keep us from creating relationships that could add more love and joy to our lives. His Holiness the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop Demond Tutu talk about unnecessary in The Book of Joy and how it keeps us from living a joyful life.

So here I am, on a journey to listen, to learn, to experience, to connect, and most importantly, to love.

“Perfection” to Depression to Freedom

The last blog I wrote, I was contacted by a lawyer telling me to take it down. That it was inappropriate. Really? Telling my story is inappropriate? I stood my ground and said no. No names were mentioned, they had no legal ground and I would not let anyone silence my voice! But I did… I haven’t written since then. Maybe it was knowing that my ex is reading everything that I was writing… (Come on, kinda creepy and a bit stalkery. Right, internet and out for the world to see.)

Or it could be because I’ve always worked so hard to not have confrontation. My whole life was about trying to be the perfect person so everyone would like me but in the end I never felt liked. Even when I was married I worked so hard to please my husband but nothing I did was ever good enough. I felt like I was set up to lose no matter what. Until… I stopped caring.

Why do we do that? Especially women. Try to please everyone? The answer is simple, we were raised that way. Our mothers were raised that way and they’re mothers before. Times are definitely different but breaking that cycle takes time. It is a lot of work to go against what you were taught.

By trying to please everyone, I became lost. The anxiety and depression I suffered with in my teens just got worse. I didn’t want to do anything. I did my best to be who I thought I was supposed to be but deep down life became dark.

Here’s the thing about emotions. You can put them in a box and decide you’re not going to feel them but they’re still there. And the more you shove into that box, the more crammed it becomes. At some point it is going to burst. Usually the burst is at the worst possible time and over the littlest thing.

“The straw that broke the camel’s back.” That saying is so fucking true.

Most of us have been there or are going through it right now. Do you feel lost in your emotions? Overwhelmed by feelings? Most try to find that quick fix. The magic pill that will take all the pain away. Going from doctor to doctor.

Let me tell you something, anyone who says they can help you quickly is full of shit! There is no quick fix. I went looking for a quick fix that ended up causing me more problems.

I can say now that I feel so good about who I am and the journey I’m still on. Does my anxiety show from time to time? Yes! Do I have days where I just feel sad? Yes! But here’s what has changed, those moments are shorter in length and longer between them. I now know they will come and go. When they come, I learn from them. For the most part, I’ve learned to embrace joy and find it in the little things.

So, how do you go from depressed/anxious to feeling fucking phenomenally joyful?

1. Feel your feelings!

2. Change your mindset

3. Find the right diet for you

4. Exercise

5. Try new activities and meet new people

These don’t have to be done in a specific order. They need to be done little bits at a time. But start with finding a therapist that you can talk openly with. It is so important to feel it and then let it go. I’ll share some of my experiences on all of these in coming blogs.

Now remember, I’m not a therapist. I have done some research for my own benefit. Everything I share is what has worked for me through trial, error, and so much failure but most of all, learning and trying again.

This is MeBeingMe. I’d love to learn about you!

Where does your loyalty lay?

I’ve been thinking a lot about loyalty since the end of my marriage. I realized that I am loyal to a fault and I know I’m not the only one. Some of the reasons we’re loyal is because change can be scary or we don’t think we can do better.

Growing up I remember hearing how being loyal is a good thing. Be loyal to your friends and they will treat you right. Be loyal to your spouse and your marriage will last. Be loyal to the company you work for and they will take care of you and you’ll prosper.

Well that’s a load of shit. I say that because I have been loyal to “friends” who have treated me horrible. I was loyal to my husband who was abusive. I’ve been loyal to companies I’ve worked for with no reward. This falsity keeps people in relationships and jobs that are unhealthy and sometimes dangerous.

Changing my character is not going to happen. I’m a loyal person and loyalty is a good quality to have but I’ve learned that my loyalty has been misplaced. So I’ve had to adjust where my loyalty lays.

Now I am loyal to myself first. Meaning I am loyal to my values, my ethics, my self worth, my mental health, my physical health, and my overall wellness. That does not mean that I won’t be loyal to others. It mean that I use my loyalty to me as a guideline to decide who gets my loyalty.

I choose who I’m loyal to by seeing if it aligns with my own loyalty. If being loyal to someone else causes me to not be loyal to me, then they do not deserve my loyalty. My loyalty and your loyalty is a precious gift that should be earned and not given willynilly. Treasure this gift you have to give. Keep it safe until the right person/job comes along.

Since this is a gift that you can give, you can also take it away. If a person’s actions continually cause you to choose being loyal to them or yourself, you must chose your own loyalty. Set your boundaries and walk away if they don’t respect it. You’re worthy and deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.