I find myself having to go back to the basics and boy is that hard to accept. I’ve done so much work on my mental health that a part of me feels shame that I don’t have it all together right now.
We live in a society that promotes perfection but that is not realistic. It’s still ingrained in us. Growing up, shame was used for discipline. Religion uses shame to keep people in line. Shame then brings on fear. Worrying about what others will think of us.
I find myself struggling with depression and anxiety. I find myself eating unhealthy which has brought on pain and fatigue. My house currently is a reflection of the chaos that is within me. My life is so unorganized and chaotic. I feel despair, hopelessness, unworthy. I want to hide away from the world.
“Life is a process – just one thing after another. When you lose it, just start again.” – Richard Carlson
The last year and half has been the hardest. The universe has hit me with challenge after challenge. One hurdle after another to jump. Top it off with postpartum depression and coping is hiding away. I’m grateful for the work I’ve done in the past because my self awareness has helped me understand what I’m feeling and why.
“There is no shame in admitting life is hard.” – NikkyNicole
So here I am, ready to do the work, again and go back to the basics. I’m removing shame because there is no shame in being a human. There is no shame in my emotions and how I feel. There is no shame in admitting life is hard. And there most definitely is no shame doing what I know helps me.
Join me on my journey. I will be working on writing more consistently. It brings me so much joy and if it helps someone else, that is a huge plus.
Now, I’m not going to go into everything that has happened this last year. Bits and pieces may surface in coming blogs but I do not like to dwell on the negative. I learn from and grow from the hard times but I hold onto the joy. Others call it gratitude, I call it finding the snowflakes. The little bits of beauty that can be found even in the darkest times.
If you know me, you know I HATE cold weather. My body does not do well when it’s cold and can even cause me pain. We went to Georgia this last summer, during their hottest season. My body felt freaking amazing! We stayed in Savannah for a night on our way to Florida and even though I was sweating from the heat, I felt no pain. I am going to find a way to buy a house down there one day.
Now to get back on track. Cold and me do not mix even though I was born in January outside of Chicago. Either way, when it snows, it brings so much wonder and joy to my soul. Winter is a time of darkness and gloom but snow brings a blanket of light, wrapping us up. Reminding us there is beauty even in the dead cold of winter.
Whenever I hear someone talk about finding things to be grateful for, internally, I push back. I want to ask “What is there to be grateful for?” And then list all of the shit that has happened to me. As I write this, I realized that for some reason, when I think about being grateful, it has to be something big.
“Small snowflakes added together become something big. Look for the small things.” – NikkyNicole
Snowflakes are small. Small snowflakes added together become something big. Look for the small things. And I’m talking tiny things that bring you joy.
Right now, my three snowflakes are the smell of the camomile vanilla tea I am drinking, the love of the man laying in bed next to me, and remembering the laughter of my three children playing together the other night.