Tag: Fear

Growth

I sit here thinking about my past. Not dwelling on the hard things but instead looking back with pride at the growth I have gone through. The times I have said, I am done feeling this way and did something about it. 

It wasn’t easy but it was so worth it! The pain I felt while growing was minuscule compared to what the pain could have been had I not done anything. 

So many times, I held onto pain longer than I needed to. The fear of facing the darkness appeared to be too much. Too painful. Too overwhelming. Really it was the fear of the unknown. I was never taught how to feel pain to release it.  Even psychiatrists and therapists didn’t teach me. I had to figure it out on my own. 

It’s funny because I am now learning about alchemy and I realize I have been doing it all along. I am learning more and fine tuning my practice but it is comforting knowing I have the ability within me. And so do you. 

I’m hosting a workshop starting March 26 called Lasting Growth 5 Step Workshop. It’s all online and biweekly. I’m excited to share with others the 5 steps I still use to make changes in my life. If you are interested, email me at NikkyNicoleMeBeingMe@gmail.com with the subject Lasting Growth 5 Step Workshop. Let me know you’re in!

Healing is Not an End Goal

We live in a world of right and wrong, black and white, achieve and fail. When it comes to healing we are expected to heal and be done but when we don’t heal, what then? Are we failures? 

I felt like a failure after CJ, my third child, was born. Around 8 months, I was struggling with severe postpartum depression. It got so bad that I made the decision to quit breastfeeding. That helped significantly with the postpartum depression but I was still stuck in depression. I felt like such a failure!

See I have worked on my mental health for YEARS! We’re talking over a decade and a half. I should be healed by now. I realized I had to go back to the basics which included releasing the shame I was feeling. I went through the trusted steps I had used multiple times to slowly pull myself out of it.

What I have learned since then, is that healing is a spiral journey. We work through something and then it comes back around. We get a little break and then we are called to go deeper but this time around, you are not going into it the same person as before. This time, you are wiser. 

Keep doing the work. Each time it gets easier as long as we do not resist it. It returns to teach us something new. Something we were not ready to know before. 

Give yourself grace for not being “perfect.” Remind yourself you are loved and accepted as you are, the journey you are on is an experience to learn, grow, and live.

When fear takes over

It’s amazing how fear can take over. All the healing thats been done vanished because of one incident. Over the summer, I didn’t even realize that it took over. I was so sure I was beyond fear (thank you ego) that it grew. And then because one fear took over, other fears began to sneak in unnoticed. 

…Other fears began to sneak in unnoticed.

NikkyNicole


I was a mess. I thought all of it was hormones from being pregnant. Or maybe that was what I told myself so I didn’t have to deal with my fears. The hormones made it harder for me to process my emotions but I couldn’t process the emotions fully because I didn’t recognize the underlying issue…FEAR.


I am not going to get into detail as to what triggered my fear but I am going to talk to you about how it affected me and how I got out of the cycle. 


It wasn’t until I realized that I was living in fear did I realize how much it was effecting me. I stopped doing the things that brought me joy. No writing, drawing, yoga, meditating, playing the piano, etc. So essentially, I was disconnected from myself. That in turn caused a disconnection with my partner, Chris and my kids. 
But what was so fascinating (and I can only say that now that I am out of it), is that the one fear allowed so many other fears to sneak its way back in. Even fears that I have worked through and released previously. My fear of abandonment showed back up and feeling disconnected from my partner just intensified that. Thankfully he was amazing and loved me as he always has. I was afraid I was going to miscarry. I was so worried about what people were thinking about me. I was constantly worried about my kids.


In all, I was scared every day and had no idea I was! I knew something was off but could not figure out what it was. 


It hit me like a lightning bolt one day while having a hard conversation with Chris. Once I was able to recognize the initial fear was there, I was able to process it and let it go. That led me to slowly recognize the other fears and let them go. 
The initial fear took about a month or so to fully let go. Triggers kept coming so it was like two steps forward, one step back. Once that was released, I was able to recognize the others. My fear of abandonment took just recognizing it to let it go and on the same day I realized that I was disconnected from myself as to why had been feeling disconnected from everyone else. 


Getting rid of fear brought back my confidence. I am finally building the business that I have been dreaming of for the last 6 years! 

Getting rid of fear brought back my confidence.

NikkyNicole


If you would like to support me on this journey, please head over to fairytasticworld.com and subscribe. The first fantasy fiction book, A FairtyTastic Adventure The Missing Light, will be out for presale the winter of 2022. We are looking to have other fun FairyTastic stuff for sale summer/fall of 2022. We can also be found on Facebook and Instagram @fairytastic. The book was written with middle schoolers in mind but can be enjoyed by all ages.