She was talking about losing her children. Two of the three held in her arms but all three buried before they reached their first birthday. The tightness in my chest increased. I tried to hold the tears back but a few slipped away here and there. By the time I got home, I couldn’t listen to the podcast episode anymore. All I could see was the child I didn’t get the chance to hold. The child I wanted so badly but left way too soon. I will never truly know but to me that was my little boy.
The last week I’d been feeling off and this did me in. I got home, made sure Izzy was ok and then cried. I cried and cried and cried and until all of the negative energy that I had been working through for weeks was gone. I felt renewed and rejuvenated.
The loss of an unborn child is so hard and never truly leaves you. Most days I can think about it with a slight sadness but nothing more. Some days, it hits me like a ton of bricks and I mourn all over again. A piece of me is gone and will always be gone so this is who I am now. That time in my life was so hard but it also showed me how strong I truly am.
See, I had gotten off of medication to get pregnant. My Dr wasn’t sure that was the best thing but I wanted another child. I was able to process the loss of my child, mourn and know that the time would come when I would try again. Is was during this mourning process that my Dr told me that I didn’t need to see her anymore but her door was always open. That day I knew I was strong and would continue on a journey of self discovery and strength.
Since then I have gone through other hard things but because I now know that I will come out stronger. I am more than a survivor, I will thrive. Though tough days will come and I may sob until there are no tears to be shed, I know joy is right around the corner.
A few months later I found out I was pregnant again and my little crazy-pants Liesl was born. She tests every patients I have but looks at me with such love. I will always wonder what my little guy would have been like but living in the “what if’s” keeps us from living in the now. When the past creeps in and sorrow comes, I sit with those feelings and cry them out one tear at a time so I can focus on today and the joy it can bring.
I did end up listening to the rest of the episode. If you’d like to hear her story check out The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey episode #189.